Why can regret, guilt and shame feel so difficult to let go of?
Regret, guilt and shame are feelings we can all relate to. They are uncomfortable, can be deeply painful and impact how we relate to ourselves and others.
We don’t often talk about the purpose emotions, like regret, guilt and shame have. I think because they can leave us feeling so hurt and helpless. We want to push them away, do anything we can to not feel them.
We might do this by attempting to think of a solution, finding ourselves stuck in a ruminating thought loop as a way to outthink our feelings, but finding ourselves feeling more anxious, helpless and out of control.
We may find ways to distract ourselves, which may provide some short-lived relief, only for those feelings to return soon after.
Whilst these are completely understandable responses, when we do this we can actually cause the feelings we want to run away from, to stay with us for longer, plant deeper roots and ultimately become more powerful. Our interaction with them can become damaging and we can start to distort the meaning they hold when this happens.
That usually isn't our intention. So is there another way of responding to these feelings? One place to begin is by asking ourselves what they might be trying to communicate or what purpose they may be serving. It can feel complicated and complex, however they can help to guide us, to give us a sense of direction and help in navigating decisions.
It can sometimes feel as though our emotions are trying to punish us. Yet, however painful they may be, they can also be trying to communicate something to us.
Rather than trying to push them away, see if you can allow them to join the party for a while. Not because you enjoy their company, but because emotions we constantly fight often stay much longer than those we are willing to acknowledge and accept. What we resist, persists.
That doesn’t mean punish yourself, and stay stuck in critical thoughts and judgements of yourself because of the feelings you’re having. It means allowing yourself to experience them without immediately trying to change or get rid of them. When we begin to recognise that emotions are temporary, there can be comfort in knowing they won't stay with us forever.
Understanding Regret, Guilt and Shame a little more
So, what are these particular emotions trying to communicate?
Regret is letting us know we feel loss, sadness and maybe anger towards a decision or action we have taken.
Regret often asks us to grieve. We may regret a decision we made, something we didn't say, an opportunity we missed or a relationship that ended. Like any experience of loss or grief, moving through it is often the only way to move beyond it.
We can't change the past, but regret can help us clarify what matters most to us now and how we want to live moving forward.
Guilt and shame are often spoken about together, but they are not the same. Healthy guilt is about recognising that something we've done doesn't fit with the kind of person we want to be.
Shame goes much deeper. Rather than saying, "I did something wrong," shame tells us, "There is something wrong with me."
It’s really important to note that our relationship with feelings, particularly of guilt and shame can become distorted, unhelpful and often untrue.
This often happens when we have frequently been led to believe we are at ‘fault’, we are ‘wrong’, we are ‘bad’. We can develop a belief system that always puts us at fault, when there is no evidence to show us that. Over time, we can develop a pattern of taking responsibility for things that were never ours to carry.
Acknowledging this and where these beliefs were formed can be a really helpful start to relinquishing some of their power and giving yourself permission to start to rewrite your narrative.
So where does acceptance come into it?
A common concern I hear from clients is if I accept myself and these feelings, how will I ever change or get rid of them? Or if I do accept myself, will that mean I am giving up or staying stuck?
Acceptance can feel like weakness, like giving in. Many of us have spent years believing that we need to be different or somebody else before we are worthy of kindness or acceptance.
This is the paradox of acceptance. It often feels as though accepting ourselves means giving up or settling. Yet the opposite is often true. When we stop spending so much energy fighting, criticising and resisting ourselves, we create space for change to happen. Our relationship with ourselves doesn’t have to be built around improvement, we are allowed to enjoy being with the person we are now.
It might feel like a daunting and impossible task to be asked to accept ourselves and our feelings, particularly if we are used to doing the opposite. However acceptance doesn’t mean liking everything about where we are; it means meeting ourselves with compassion so we can create change that truly lasts.
One step you can take to start this process is to give yourself permission to meet these difficult painful feelings with kindness, curiosity and compassion. This can look like the way we talk to ourselves, the support we allow ourselves to ask for and the pause we give ourselves when we notice feelings emerge.